A MEMORABLE DAY:IT HAPPENS THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A HAZE...

A FOG THAT DOESN'T GO AWAY,IT JUST CLINGS TO YOU TAKING YOUR BREATH AWAY...THE MONOTONY OF EVERYDAY LIFE,THE QUIETNESS AND THEN YOU WISH SIMPLY FOR THE DAY TO CHANGE,A WISH FOR SOMETHING UNEXPECTED, WISHING THAT TODAY WAS A DIFFERENT DAY AND THEN YOU START TO BELIEVE IT IS A DIFFERENT DAY AND SOMETHING NEW WILL HAPPEN....WELL THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME YESTERDAY...

A FEW DAYS AGO,I WAS FILLED WITH ALL THE BRIMMING EMOTION TO GET OUT AND RUN AWAY BECAUSE THE ISOLATION WAS TOO OVERWHELMING THAT IT WAS KILLING ME FROM INSIDE

AND JUST YESTERDAY MORNING I THOUGHT "MAYBE IT WAS ME,EVERYTHING WAS NEGATIVE BECAUSE I WAS NEGATIVE"..AND I STARTED TO BELIEVE IT WILL CHANGE ONCE I AM POSITIVE..AND THAT IT WILL CHANGE....

EVERYTHING BEGAN AS A NORMAL DAY,AGGRAVATING AND SIMILAR TO ALL OTHER DAYS THAT USUALLY DEPRESSED ME,BUT SOMEHOW BY 11 am IT WAS PRETTY DIFFERENT,WE WERE GOING SOMEWHERE AND FOR ME ANYWHERE IS A GOOD THING THAT I HAVE BEEN LOCKED UP INSIDE THE SAME ROOM FOR SO MANY DAYS THAT I WAS LOOSING CONTROL OF MY MIND AND THOUGHTS...

THE PLACE WE WENT WAS AN AUDITORIUM AND PROVED TO BE A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE FOR ME..I WAS BACK AMONG A CROWD..THE DARK VEIL THAT SURROUNDED ME AT ALL TIMES REMOVED ITSELF..THERE WERE A LOT OF PEOPLE AROUND ME SUDDENLY..EVEN THOUGH IT WAS A NEW CROWD,THERE WERE LOT OF HAPPY AND SMILING ELDERS AND I SPOTTED FEW OF MY FRIENDS...I WAS STILL BEHIND MY MOTHER BOUND BY THE INVISIBLE CHAIN WANTING TO LAUGH OPENLY,TALK TO OTHERS OPENLY...

I AM AGAINST THE SUPPRESSIVE SYSTEM THEY PUT ME THROUGH EVERYDAY...I CAN LAUGH AND TALK LIKE ANY TEENAGER WOULD..I LIKE TO RUN TOO,FEELING THE WIND AGAINST MY FACE AND EVERYTHING GO AS A BLUR CAUSE IM HAPPY AND RUNNING FAST...I WANT A NORMAL LIFE OF ANY OTHER TEENAGER,MY PARENTS HAVE NO IDEA,HOW MUCH THEY ARE HORRIFYING MY CHILDHOOD...

AFTER FEW MOMENTS OF SITTING THERE WATCHING THE PROGRAM,ONE OF MY FRIEND TOOK ME AWAY,I WAS EQUALLY SCARED IF MY MOTHER WOULD STEP IN AND STOP ME FROM SITTING WITH HER..HER FACE WAS ANGRY,MILD LINES SHOWED ON HER FACE WHICH SHE TRIED TO MASK AMONG THE CROWD...

EVEN THOUGH I WAS UNDER THE VIEW OF MY MOTHER,SHE FEARFUL THAT I MAY DISREGARD THE ISOLATION THEY HAVE FORCED TO MY LIFE AND I FEARFUL OF HER TAKING BACK THE NEW FREEDOM TO LAUGH AND TALK LIKE ANY OTHER TEEN..

I LAUGHED YESTERDAY TRULY HAPPY ON THE INSIDE.....

SOMETIMES U ONLY REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE LOST ONLY WHEN YOU LOSE THEM...

TAKING A STEP FRONT

THANKYOU-SHIVAGAMI,GLORIA ,VIGNESH AND GLORIA FOR MAKING A DAY DIFFERENT...

I THINK I HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER ITS BEEN DAYS THAT I AM FEELING EQUALLY ELATED BUT ALSO HIGHLY DEPRESSED THAT SOMETIME WHEN I WAKE UP,ITS MADDENING ME....

I HAVE EXPERIENCED MOOD SWINGS SO GREAT THAT I WAS SO NORMAL YESTERDAY AND WENT TO A TEARY MESS JUST AFTER A FEW UN-HARMFUL ARGUMENTS WITH MY SISTER..I REMEMBER CRYING,IT WAS NIGHT THE LIGHTS WERE OFF..AND WHEN I WAKE UP,IT WAS ALREADY 2 AM.. 




IT WAS MADDENING TO SEE MY WRISTS WERE CUT AND I CANT TELL HOW THE TIME FLEW...I DIDN'T GET MUCH SLEEP AFTER THAT..I DIDN'T WANT TO DISTURB MY FRIENDS BECAUSE TODAY IS A VERY HAPPY DAY SO WHY DISTURB THEM..I FEEL LIKE A BURDEN AT TIMES..YET A FEW DAYS BACK OR EVEN YESTERDAY I FELT I WAS INVINCIBLE..


I AM HAPPY BUT EQUALLY SAD,I GET ANGRY VERY FAST AND ELATED... I FIND MYSELF CRACKING JOKES AND IN NEXT MOMENT CRYING FROM THE INSIDE..BURSTING TO COME OUT... I KNOW I NEED HELP... I KNOW I WANT HELP...BUT MY PARENTS ARE INDIAN AND THEY WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO COME IN TERMS THAT THEIR DAUGHTER IS ILL THAT TOO MENTALLY......


I DON'T KNOW FOR WHAT REASON,TODAY I GOOGLED UP DEPRESSION AND SOMEHOW IT DOESN'T SUIT ME...THEN I SEE SOME TAGS OF BIPOLAR...SOMETHING SOMEHOW MADE ME BELIEVE IT.... MOST PEOPLE WHO PERSONALLY KNOW ME, DOES KNOW THAT I AM MANIAC AT TIMES AND COME UP WITH WEIRD IDEAS.... BUT THEY DON'T KNOW MY SAD SIDE....SOME DO..

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IS WRONG... WHY DO I ATTEMPT SUICIDE,THIS HAS BEEN THE SECOND ONE IN THIS MONTH...MY WRIST HAS DARK PURPLE LINES ONE IT NOW..I BARELY CAN HIDE IT ANYMORE..YESTERDAY NIGHT I COULD'NT THINK OF ANYTHING BUT GETTING SOME ANTI-DEPRESSANTS FROM THE PHARMACY BELOW(THEY NEED PRESCRIPTION)...

MY ROOM IS MESS,I DON'T WANT TO CLEAN IT UP... I WANT TO BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE CLEANING IT UP...I HAVEN'T BRUSHED FOR GOD KNOWS HOW MANY DAYS,,,MY BEAUTIFUL LONG HAIR NEVER TANGLES NOR DO I BRUSH IT...I HAVEN'T EATEN IN AGES...I FEEL NUMB...ITS HOPELESSNESS AROUND ME..I HAVE NO APPETITE,NO PAIN OR NO EMOTIONS...I FEEL INHUMANE,LIKE A ZOMBIE...


 I SIT HERE LOOKING BLANKLY AT THE SCREEN...I WATCH MOVIE BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS ABOUT... I GUESS I LIKE THE MANIAC SIDE(THE UP-SIDE) BUT WHAT DRAINS ME IS THIS DOWN SIDE THAT I CAN'T COPE WITH...  

THE PRETTY LITTLE THINGS:

TO ME THE LITTLE THINGS ALWAYS MATTER,THE LITTLE THINGS THAT THEY DO IS WHAT MAKES THEM UNIQUE...NOW WHAT ARE THE LITTLE THINGS?

SOMETIMES THEY SAY"IT WILL BE ALRIGHT.." OR "ITS OKAY,YOU ARE FAR OFF BETTER"...IS ALL WHAT IT TAKES TO BE NORMAL AND AT PEACE AGAIN.....I WONDER WHAT IT WOULD FEEL LIKE IF NO ONE SAYS SUCH THINGS TO OTHERS ANYMORE...IT WOULD BE A STRANGE WORLD,STRANGER THAN IT IS RIGHT NOW...

THE SMILES OR A STANDARD WISH "GOOD MORNING IS ALL WHAT TAKES TO BRIGHTEN UP ONE'S DAY...I ENJOY THE LITTLE THINGS...EVEN IF IT IS VIA COMMENTS OR IN PERSON,OR ANYWAY...ALWAYS KNOW THAT I WILL CHERISH IT...

I STARTED OFF THIS BLOG WITH FUNNY MEMES OF DOGS AND CATS THAT I FOUND IN THE INTERNET...THEN THE TINY TINY THINGS THAT HAPPEN AROUND ME OR TO ME...IT SOMETIMES DOESN'T MATTER IF ITS TOO PERSONAL OR ANYTHING BUT I FEEL TO SHARE ALL THOSE THINGS...

NOW I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD WRITE MORE ,MAYBE MY PAST AND BACKGROUND AND EVERYTHING..

I AM THE ONE IN THE RIGHT(BELOW)IN WHITE AND BLUE SAREE

I WANT TO GO ON A JOURNEY:FOR SOME PEOPLE ADVENTURE COMES NATURALLY,ITS JUST THAT I AM NOT ONE OF THEM....

SINCE LAST MONTH I HAVE YEARNED TO GO ON A SPIRITUAL SEARCH............

I CAN SAY MOST OF THE IDEA HAD COME FROM THE BOOK 'EAT PRAY LOVE' BY ELIZABETH GILBERT...

IT HAS BEEN A FEW DAYS THAT I WANTED TO GO ON THE SAME SEARCH OF WHAT I WANT IN LIFE,FOR HER IT WAS ITALIAN AND FOR ME SPANISH...I SIMPLY WANT TO BE ABLE TO SPEAK IN SPANISH,NOT FOR ANY REASON BUT JUST TO MAKE MYSELF COMPLETE.....

I LOVE IT HERE,I AM CONTENTED BUT IM LIKE MOST OF YOU,I WANT MORE... SOMETHING MORE TO HAPPEN...THERE HAS BEEN THIS FEELING ALL ALONG,EVEN THOUGH I AM NOT CERTAIN ITS GOOD OR BAD..I JUST WANT TO EXPERIENCE SOMETHING NEW...

MANY AT TIMES WE FIND BOOKS SAY THAT LOVE IS A UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE,BUT SO IS SILENCE AND HATE AND EVERY EMOTION THAT ONE GO THROUGH,THAT'S WHY IT WAS CREATED IN THE FIRST PLACE....

I HAVE NO IDEA WHATS IN STORE FOR ME,BUT I AM READY TO ACCEPT IT,CHERISH IT,AND GAIN KNOWLEDGE...

SO HERE ARE SOME PENCIL DRAWINGS THAT I MADE...

CLICK!

Its not so clear,pardon the lighting and poor quality image

THE JOY OF DANCING:

TRUTH BE TOLD,I NEVER DANCE...WELL ALMOST TO A NEVER IF YOU DON'T CALL THE OCCASIONAL PRANCING ABOUT HEARING A GOOD SONG, WHICH IS VERY RARE...BUT....

DANCING WITH A WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO NEVER CRITICIZE OR LAUGH OR EVEN COMMENT ABOUT MY AWKWARD AND WEIRD STEPS,MADE ME FEEL A LOT MORE LIGHTER AND AGAIN BROUGHT A FEELING OF TOGETHERNESS ..

LEAVING ASIDE THE FACT THAT WE HAVE THE PROGRAM JUST AFTER TWO DAYS AND THAT WE STARTED PRACTICING TODAY..AND ALSO THE FACT THAT I'M A NEW DANCER,WHICH BASICALLY MEANS I NEED ATLEAST 5-8 MINUTES JUST FOR A SINGLE STEP,EVERYTHING IS GOING QUITE GOOD...

I'M BOTH EXCITED AS WELL AS SCARED ABOUT THE PROSPECT OF DANCING IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL AND ALSO WEARING A RATHER RESTRICTIVE TRADITIONAL DRESS...PRAY THAT I DON'T FALL...

I FEEL LIKE THE DAYS GO TOO FAST,YET MEMORABLE EACH DAY...SOMETIMES IT FEELS GOOD TO BE PART OF SOMETHING...

GIVE US BEST WISHES

DIARY ENTRY-02:AN OVERWHELMING DAY:(9/5/2016)

TODAY WAS WHAT EVERYONE CAN CAL-THE ENERGY DRAINING DAY..SOMETIMES IN LIFE IT TAKES TIME TO KNOW WHAT YOU REALLY WANT,UNDERSTAND THE OBSTACLE AND QUESTION ONE'SELF THE NEED FOR DOING SOMETHING...

First to begin with,it was teachers day which means going to school in formals(a good thing) and I,dressed up with an elegant gown and heels had to drag myself out of the school building after school.....

Attending tuition has always been energy and time consuming where we discuss these very tough question which will come handy in next life probably...

I feel almost everything is dragging on without a purpose....The world is moving and I am moving because everyone simply wants me to move...

So here I am writing,having a break from all the chaos that surrounds me turning me into this work work work zombie....

Now,I need the readers to take a moment,count to twelve and introspect...What are you doing,Why do you have to do this.But the real question is do you want to do it?

Sense of Belonging

SENSE OF BELONGING:TODAY HAD BEEN A GREAT DAY,SEPTEMBER 5TH ALSO CELEBRATED AS TEACHERS DAY IN INDIA...UNUSUALLY IT WAS TODAY THAT I ACTUALLY STARTED THINKING ABOUT FAREWELLS,END OF SCHOOL SESSION ETC

I've never really noticed that I have just few months left,then I would be going to a very different place,away from family,away from my present friends,away from home and my comfort zone...

I am excited as well as kind-of scared about the new atmosphere that I'l be facing and staying away,not be able to have this bubble of comfort that I'm actually in.... 

Many of you reading this may have finished schooling or collage but all this feels so new to me,in a way that I don't feel the usual exam pressure but a sense of loss...

I will be missing things,missing little things that matter,even though I am not studious,I do like the annoying red ticks or comments that a teacher writes...I'l be missing the attention that I get...

I've never really given a thought to anything but now,after all the teachers day celebrations,I do feel a sense of belonging....Like I've lived here for my whole life and that I'll somehow be living my future here...In this safe haven..The quietness that surrounds Oman...